fhshf

2011-12-05T23:05:00.001+08:00

Who, what, where...

everytime I feel like telling this dear blog how I feel, it just doesn't seem right.
and I come up mute.
Like i'm waiting for someone to really hear me out.
Know me with everything I have to tell the world.
But, there's just no one.

So many things...waiting to be let out.
emo.

I'm sorry dear blog,
I will have to shut you down.
You're not serving any purpose.

Who and where are You?

love, A.

2011-11-05T15:22:00.004+08:00

I'm not sure..why I'm feeling this way.
Why I just want to...deactivate my fb account.
Why I want to close this space.

I guess... I'm not sure what I'm living for.
I feel lost.
I just found the word... I feel, forgettable.
And I admit that...I'm not a person that anybody would take a second thought for.
That anybody would look for.
Or someone who will get people on the streets to take a second look.
Or receive texts, calls from old friends.
I'm not the person, I guess, that people would find comfortable to talk to.
That people would...bother remembering maybe 2 or more years down the road.
Or maybe just 1 year...

I feel insignificant. Like I'm fading to the background.
I can feel that I'm disappearing.
And this mentality is winning. I want to disappear.

All these (useless) thoughts got me thinking too that, I'm not that lucky to be able to find someone to love.
I'm not that lucky to be able to receive that sort of love from anymore guys.
I've already hurt 2 guys who thought I meant a lot.
What are the chances really? In a lifetime?
My luck is up.
I should just, marry my schoolwork and give up hoping.

Yup, I've been hoping that people would come find for me.
Hoping that some day I will meet some guy who cares for me.
Hoping that I would like the guy too.
I really wanna quit.

I've always envied...my friends who have admirers, my friends who could love/had loved, my friends who had their own boy problems.
Yes, having problems would be painful. But my dears, there's truely, in my opinion, nothing more lonely than having nobody to love and nobody who loves you back.
And that's painful too.

I have never given Love a serious thought before, not even in secondary school.
All those experience that passed by, had no deep meaning.
And only recently in my 4th year being single, am I spending late nights just...wondering.
And I am fully aware that there's nobody to really truly wonder about.

Sigh.
I guess I'm done talking now.
May God keep me strong.

All my love, A.

2011-10-28T20:06:00.004+08:00

I know I promised to blog more regularly.
But now...I'm thinking about closing it down.
I hardly know how to express myself today.
There's...just too much.

I'll keep you updated.

Love, A.

2011-10-24T00:11:00.002+08:00

Today, was considerably a productive day.
Out of the 7 agenda on my list, I accomplished 6 and a half.

But I don't get why...I feel guilty not finishing off that half more.
Why do I feel like I've kinda failed? There's a certain disappointment for not finishing.
I guess...this is how Uni has changed me.
I'm sitting in the dark and feeling a sense of...regret? But for chilling from 9.45pm to 11.15pm?
The usual me would tell myself to just chill...but I do feel the pressure of getting left behind.

Sigh, what is wrong...

Exams are in 5 weeks.
Countdown startss...
This won't do, tomorrow shall be another productive day.
It has to be.

Jiayou everyone~ <3

Love, A.

2011-10-18T21:58:00.001+08:00

feeling lay-ji.
Howww? :/

2011-10-05T22:00:00.002+08:00

can anyone truly understand how I feel about tomorrow?
how...niceguy will feel so far away.
like we're parted by the red sea.
sigh.
):

love, A.

2011-10-01T01:27:00.000+08:00

for a friend.
have yet to make mine. (:

love, A.

2011-09-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

The little things,
you do to me are,
taking me over,
I wanna show ya.
Everything inside of me
like a nervous heart that,
is crazy beating.
My feet are stuck here,
against the pavement.
I wanna break free,
I wanna make it.
Closer to your eyes,
Get your attention,
Before you pass me by.

-Colbie Caillat, The Little Things

Sorry niceguy,
for giving the confusing cold shoulder yesterday. :/

love, A.

2011-09-28T23:58:00.002+08:00

House-visiting and the 11 Friendship bands (:
Hope it'll be appreciated tomorrow.
I realised...I might not see my kids after next week. :/

love, A.

2011-09-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

hellloooo!!!

i realised I've MIA ALOT lately.
firstly, the week before last week, in preparation for the mid-terms.
then, last week, because of mid-terms, presentation and assignments.
sigh.. i have neglected.

anywayy, i've had some really good times and horrible times these days.
and it all happened in school of course.
so this SNIPPET shall be a little chopped up. (:

SNIPPET #13

Meeting the mentor

So, every first year psych students (i'm not sure about other courses) will have a mentor to turn to for advice and concerns.
Mentors, naturally, are the teacher assistants or the teachers themselves.
Most of my malay friends and I are placed under Prof Patterson, got a feeling it's by alphabetical order.
So anyway, our meeting was at Pitchstop and it was realllyyyy awkward.
But generally, he was a really cute character; so awkward with himself, where to place his hands, how to continue the conversation.
And i think i'm lucky because he majors in cognitive psych / neuroscience. The exact field i'm rather interested in. :D
Can't wait to talk to him more. I think I can even collaborate with him for my FYP. Yay~!

Mid-terms

Hmm, nothing much to say here.
Papers were do-able.
I think there's one more paper soon for Philosophy of Science? Sigh.
Why why whyyyyyyyyy.....
At least I know what to NOT recommend for my friends.
It's interesting, but...too abstract. ):

(just came back from a veryyy good dinner, thanks to abang)

Niceguy

He meets his ex-girlfriend.
Need I elaborate?
Ugh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All in all, the past week has been hectic so much so that I feel like I keep track of what I'm doing everyday, what I'm going to do that night yada yada.
There's so much to do, in so little time.
I was so relieved it's over.

Now that it's recess week, I feel like I want this to last longerr.
I need it to.
I want to have enough time to recharge and feel even more excited for school but, there's never enough time for that huh?
I know that once I enter next week, it's so much closer to finals and more assignments and greater expectations.
And knowing that I would have to let go of someone who excites me every week, sucks.

I know I feel this attachment because he was so nice and it was great timing because I had to get use to a whole new environment and having someone familiar around to help you, it does alot to one's thoughts and feelings.
Need to move on.

My students are going to face their exams very soon.
And in the case of yuhua, I might not be able to keep mentoring them next year so, I might be left with just 1-2 more weeks. ):
Making farewell-cum-good luck present for them; mini friendship bands. Hope they'll like it. (:

....as some may infer, those 1-2 more weeks applies for niceguy too. :/

love, A.

2011-09-25T01:04:00.002+08:00

i just feel pissed.
you're doing it again.
and you don't realise that i'd rather hear issues you have with me from YOU YOURSELF and not third party people like mum.
what are you afraid of?
you dote on me too much that i need to be SOOOO proper infront of you so as not to hurt YOUR feelings.
I understand how selfless you are whenever you're with me, with all the shopping, food and listening to my stories.
But i think you're being selfish, for not wanting to jeopardise our relationship knowing that your concerns would cause me to feel infuriated.
Yes, you are right to be worried because now i feel even MORE pissed.
you need to come out of that shell.
that thinking that your girl should NEVER confront you.

i need you to let me be me.
i need you to accept my feelings and learn to deal with it.
i need you to stop viewing me from a display box, sitting prettily and oh-so-perfect.

you make me feel so afraid to approach you. i don't want to hurt you.
you make me feel the NEED to be the only one to make you proud.
the only thing untouched by the outside world.

but i need you to tell me it's okay to not be.

these tears tonight....
can i stop shedding them again?

so much love for you daddy, A.

2011-09-16T19:01:00.000+08:00

my hands are trembling and typing is a difficulty.
i am unbelievably mad right now.
how does telling me what will happen when i lose my phone help the situation? does it make you feel better coz it certainly make me feel like s.h.i.t. and you know when i do, i spread it and bite you back unintentionally. so why start the cycle?
and at home, my unhappiness about the whole thing, is sometimes soooooo minute and insignificant because when you get pissed or upset, a certain person will come finding for me asking me to go apologise. you started the cycle dammit.
shit, tears.

whatever.
my new sim card arrives on monday people.
just facebook me if you need anything.

A.
p.s. i wanted to blog happy things of the week but, no mood now.

2011-09-12T20:05:00.003+08:00

SNIPPET #12

I honestly have no faith in doing well for any of my modules. I'll let you know what they are okay.
Core:

Fundamentals to Social Science Research (we have yet to be tested in any way so, there's no judgement here)
Introduction to Psychology (so many big chapters and I have yet to finish my readings)
Critical Writing (I feel like the most stupid in class whenever there's discussions. ): )

Electives:

Marketing in the 21st Century (sighh...I don't understand what the teacher really expects of us. She's so...taitai and it's sometimes very hard to understand her.)
Philosophy of Science (need I elaborate on this?)

If the dots were little drops of shit, this is my situation now.
.................................
................................
.................................
................................
...................................
...................................
...........me...................
do you get it?
deep shit.

-end-

love, A.

2011-09-08T03:46:00.002+08:00

SNIPPET #11

It frustrates me that the Internet chooses to cock up only in my laptop at random times of the day.
It frustrates me that when I choose to sleep and check on it at 2+ in the morning, it comes on but the assignment I have to do, has VERY LITTLE information on the net.
It has information I don't really need.
Now, I feel the jittery feeling within your body when you know you just screwed up your sleeping time and you don't have enough/proper sleep.
Ughhhh.

Miss Simone White, I don't really have any interest to break down your song "Great Imperialist Song" at this hour, really. Please be nice and show something relevant to me. Sigh.

-end-

A.

2011-09-06T21:41:00.002+08:00

SNIPPET #10

I have a couple of friends that I made in Philosophy of Science module.
And not surprisingly, i guess, they're actually malay muslim girls.
I guess, the unique thing about them that I find very different from the other friends that I've ever made is that they are a lot more religious? I mean if there's a degree to how religious a person is, they're maybe an 8 on a scale of 1-10. I realise that I'm just 5, after talking and hanging out with them.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all.
They just make me feel...uncomfortable with myself and guilty for not being an 8.

How different are they?
Well, it's like, they dress so properly. Like no flesh-hugging clothes, full socks and always have the cloth that covers from elbow to wrist. So all that's exposed is just their hands and face; exactly what is preached.
Also, the way they greet you when you meet them (if you're a muslim). They will say "Assalamu'alaikum" and extend their hands to salam you. The thing is, there is no "Hello" or "Bye" from them, only when you initiate it first.
And the way they speak, they use "Insya'allah" instead of "hopefully...." and other forms of phrases that substitute a few of the words I choose to speak in my daily life. And they speak so softly and pleasantly, no loud laughs or body gestures.
Lastly, they are very enthusiastic in finding for religious lectures and they make the time to go for them, I'm just impressed by the fact that they even consider going for these lectures.
Let me emphasize again, I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

I feel....out of place when I'm with them.
I feel so guilty and weird when I'm with them.
And the thing is, I don't find myself trying to be more like them, although I feel guilty.
Rather, I find myself finding ways to not have to be with them for very long because of the discomfort.
Is it wrong? ):
They are very nice people though....

-end-

I went for YEP meeting part II today and other mentor friend wasn't around so it was just me and niceguy.
Not surprisingly, I end up waiting for niceguy again. You see, he has a thing for tardiness.
Anyway, it was just us two and I got the opportunity to pass his birthday gift (yes, thankfully he came in carrying a piece of birthday cake and confirmed my doubts). (:
He liked it a lot....or he seems to show that he likes it a lot.
He didn't believe that I remembered and was all "You're lying!!" when I handed him the Espirit bag. (it's just a bag I had lying around people, I didn't buy him anything from Espirit. X.X)
But yar, he liked it.

He had to go off an hour earlier than expected because he was meeting a friend for...i don't know.
It's a girl. I got a little jealous.
What have I become?? -.-
Well, it doesn't help that he always sees me around guy friends too. Iqbal, then me mentioning Zul. Geez.
I guess it's fair.
(doesn't it bother you that i'm talking about me and him like as if there's anything? lol. it bothers me deeply coz it's sooooo one-sided.)

off to do work. boo.

love, A.

2011-09-06T09:20:00.004+08:00

SNIPPET #9
it seems like Amazon won't be helping me get cheaper books. ):
it just doesn't make sense to buy a brand new Philosophy of Science book when I doubt I would open it up again.
But Amazon has shipping restrictions, shipping policies yada yada.
Sheeeeeeesh.
Shall I just buy from the school's Yunnan Bookstore? ):

Yesterday was meeting day.
Meeting for yuhua's Math Quiz prep with my mentor friends (niceguy was there)
Then had one hour lecture on Critical Writing (which I didn't go for)
Then meeting with Business module groupmates (superrr draggy)

I feel so grown-up using the term "meeting". :D

-end-

Today is niceguy's birthday....i think.
I mean, he mentioned it once to me. I hope I get the date right.
It takes me awhile to remember people's birthdates.
You wouldn't wanna know if I remember yours or not. You might just be disappointed. =/
Anyway, I made a really simple card for him.
I hope he likes it. (:

love, A.

2011-09-04T19:25:00.002+08:00

sweet uncle's message to my aunt.
(he's on ship for a while now with horrible weather)

i wanna love too.
love, A.

2011-09-02T00:30:00.002+08:00

SNIPPET #8
I'm not sure if you can see what's above but it's actually my first blog entry for Critical Writing class.
It's an assignment where (inhalesss) you have to read 2 articles and actually write just 50-100 words on your opinion about a certain statement.
And the thing about having such a restricted word limit is that, you might not be able to put your points across very well (which I think, I fall under that category) and you might just lose your marks.
Sighhh..
No worries people, I've accepted the fact that if it's any time to make mistakes, it's now.

If you can see, I chose to write the title differently from others...don't know if we can do that.
Did it just because I've accepted the fact that I might be penalized for my content anyway.
Haha.

-end-

it's 12.39am, i'm choosing to watch me some k-variety shows before sleeping.
Class starts at 9.30am.
Heck.

love, A.

2011-08-31T00:56:00.003+08:00

day 1 of Hari Raya is over.
I'm soooo tired. (i realise i've been saying this ALOT in my recent posts)
My OCD kicked in in the morning when the girls of the house (guys went for prayers) were doing last minute clean up.
I....

hand-mopped the kitchen floor
washed all the containers for cookies/crackers/cakes
arranged all the different cookies/crackers/cakes into its respective containers
washed the toilet & toilet vanity
cleaned my room

yes, you can imagine.

sigh, the long weekend is now gone.
so sad. ):
and i didn't do much work, yet school is still going on at its fast pace as per normal tomorrow.
oh dear. howww...

Hmmm...
All things aside, at the end of this post, I think I wanna just apologise to everyone whom I may have offended.
Whether it be S, H, Z or anyone else, I think it's only right that I said sorry in this day of forgiveness and hope to be forgiven.
Since everything is finally in the past now, let's just let it be that way and let's all move on.
Hope you will have a good life ahead and succeed in whatever you do.

much love, A.

2011-08-26T18:56:00.004+08:00

ohmygod, let's just jump straight in to SNIPPET kay?

SNIPPET #7
i just finished two presentations today; marketing + critical writing (blog selection)

my groupmates for marketing are really very nice and oddly enough, i end up being grouped with just girls again (like in PW).
coincidence~
anyway, there's a senior and one japanese exchange student.
i think...in a way i unintentionally pissed the senior off.
i swear i felt like apologising profusely because of it.
i admit that i didn't read the powerpoint slides thoroughly (no excuse, just the unexplained fatigue these days) and i just spoke up about something i might have problems with like, half an hour before presentation.

senior: "....so why didn't you raise this up before??"
*insert my oh-shit face

but...thank god we were on really good terms again in class.
i am sooooo not gonna be slacking in this class again.
apparently the senior gets really good grades like A+ and she thinks B+ is really bad.
yes, i cannot afford to bring the group down.
cannot afford to further taint her impressions of me.

we had to pick a blog for critical writing and analyse the audience, tone etc.
again, due to last minute work, i managed to find one relatively good and formal article and just decided to bring it to school.
so when everyone was presenting, i realised they were talking about the author's background too.
and (no surprise), i didn't know who mine was.
apparently, there is an "ABOUT ME" column by the side of the page i printed.
so dumb. -.-
guess what? Author is a faculty member of the Wee Kim Wee School of Comm Studies, NTU.
what.are.the.odds.people.

and you know what i just had to add when i presented?
"maybe for our blogs, we would not have to be so formal. to be honest, i....almost...slept reading this."
sigh. great. my big mouth. class laughed, naturally.
i knew i was gonna regret what i would say, halfway blurting it out.

what more could go wrong?
my lecturer said that that very faculty member is going to be a guest speaker in a lecture very soon.
okay, maybe it's not that bad because he/she (i don't know the gender from the name: Cherian George) won't know me.
hopefully won't be reading this post too.
but still, the unforseen links were a bit surprising.

but all in all, it was a good day. (:
forged better friendships, for sure.

-end-

i should stop doing this to myself you know?
the anticipation.
then the disappointment.
then the heck-care attitude.
and again, the anticipation.
stop it, Atiqahhhhhhhh...

love, A.

2011-08-25T19:06:00.004+08:00

i just got home.
no, you don't have to look at the time because it's not late.
it's just that, i'm soooooo tired.
was carrying heavy bag with one shoulder, books that can't fit in the bag in one hand, food for family's break fast in another and i had to mind where my small ezlink pouch amongst all the chaos.
i felt like a lady with three persons' butts (because i have 2 already).

Yuhua kind of cocked up again but it was all good since the kids were involved in other commitments and had to come later.
But throughout the chat and jokes with niceguy and anonymousfriend, I realise...maybe I've lost drive for everything that I've even lost the liking for niceguy. Or starting to lose it, anyway...
So sad. ):
But I love the company.
And i'm meeting niceguy tomoro...for awhile. (:

SNIPPET #6
i have a timetable. now, i need one for readings.

-end-

love, A.
p.s. Fasting month is coming to an end.. 4 more days.

2011-08-23T20:08:00.004+08:00

SNIPPET #5
i've lost the drive to study.
Mr Procrastination is hanging over me like a dark cloud.
I have sooooo many readings and deadlines to be mindful of so I will not lag on my readings but all these are sooo overwhelming, my body decided to just rebel and not fear.
This is not good. This is just bad.
What's more?
....this is just the beginning people.

-end-

all i can think about is how horrible mum might feel empty-handed on her birthday. ):
i feel so bad. )))):

love, A.
p.s. yes, the SNIPPET, again.

2011-08-22T23:18:00.003+08:00

yes, we met, and it made my day but..
i'm getting a little afraid...that you may be one of those smooth-talkers.
even my brother agrees.
diee...

SNIPPET #4
I went for the Marketing meeting today and, I'm so glad I get to contribute equally.
though, because I am freshie, my points don't sound so smart until my senior edits it.
But still! (:

And I waited for 4 hours to finally enter the Perbayu Iftar, after having to wait for Iqbal for one hour.
Though, in all honesty, I was dead scared to say hi.
I see girls in groups and cliques and I just freeze.
I mean, there they are, giggling in clusters.
Can't expect me to go "Hey! My name is Atiqah. And yours? yours? yours?"
Ohhhhh dear.
So I ended up sitting on my own, waiting for Iqbal.
Fortunately, niceguy came out, saw me and talked. :D ....but for awhile, of course.

Why do I find it soooo hard to talk to girls?
It's so much more easier to talk to guys because they don't really mind what comes out of your mouth in the first meeting...i think.
I mean....i don't know.
I still can't find an answer.
And I don't think the girls would have a good first impression of me, especially after seeing the way some looked at me when my guyfriends from Perbayu (they hold positions) called out to me.
*Breathesss
Let's not think too much huh?

Oh, I left my particulars with Perbayu.
Do you think they'd call me up for dance/dikir/drama? *shivers*

-end-

love, A.
p.s. I wanna find an excuse to talk to niceguy. This is baddddddd. ):

2011-08-21T20:01:00.003+08:00

this is a follow-up fact from the last post: I overslept in my afternoon nap for 3 hours.
sigh.

SNIPPET #3
I have my Principles of Marketing book opened in front of me.
Opened to the page of the Nokia case-study.
The case-study I have to read (or reread since I didn't annotate the first time I read) before going for the meeting tomorrow.

I look at the question and...a rush of laziness falls upon me.
But I can't afford to slack off this mini-project.
I'm the youngest and the only freshie in my group.
Can't afford to drag my seniors down by not contributing.
But what Are the chances of my thoughts being New and fresh, really. They're the seniors leh.
I really should get started. ):

-end-

Going for Perbayu's Iftar tomorrow.
Shall we meet? (:

love, A.

2011-08-20T14:10:00.002+08:00

I feel so tired.
And I don't understand why.
Maybe because I got my hopes up for meeting yesterday but it didn't happen...
Maybe because I had too much fun eating, laughing and goofing off last night with Bestie Z...
Maybe because I'm still having sorethroat Because of the cookies last night...
Maybe because I just finished minding a group of kids without any prep...
*collapssssseeee

We did some personality testing today and it was REALLY fun.
My friend knew a couple of stories (note to Z: like the ones at the mentoring session) and she went ahead testing some of the mentees. I did them too, being all curious about myself.

You'd want to try it yourself. (:

Imagine you were part of NASA and they sent you on a mission to a friendly planet. Now, on that planet, you saw an alien. What does it look like?
NASA then sent you a mission to bring the alien back to Earth. How did you go about doing it?

Now...take some time to answer them before you continue reading okay?

.........
My answers were:
1. Cute with curly extensions from their head.
2. Ermmm...can the alien just be attracted to me at first sight and just hug and cling onto me? So i'll just happily walk back to Earth? :D

If you wanna know what it means, you can just leave me an email at misstiq22@hotmail.com or a simple fb wall post. It's really funny.
Putting the meaning here just kills the fun. (:

(felt like SNIPPET-ing but the afternoon is making me drowsy, i need bed.)

love, A.

2011-08-18T21:38:00.005+08:00

SNIPPET #2
I think... I should just stay in school longer on Thursdays.
Just in case, you decided to call and suggest to travel together again.
HEEEEEEEEEE.
like afni said, I should just enjoy while it still lasts.
because til now, there's no results, no expectations and no real signals.
now, i'll just adore you from a distance.
then again, i'm meeting you tomorrow too. (:
see you~

-end-

love, A.
p.s. "SNIPPET" is suppose to be purple but something's wrong with colour today. =/

2011-08-17T18:39:00.002+08:00

i'm planning to write again. yay! (:
i'll have a little section called "SNIPPET" whenever i wanna talk about my life in NTU kay?
I guess, it's just a little thing for me to look forward to so I'll write again. Hopefully, more often this time.

Alright, so let's start off~~

SNIPPET #1
Let's start with basics so...

Name of University: Nanyang Technological University (NTU)
School: Humanities and Social Sciences
Division: Psychology
Year: 1

Hmm, I haven't had any tutorials until today. Tutorials...it consists of a Really small group of people compared to the larger groups we're exposed to in lectures.
My smallest class is a group of 9, including me?
And the largest...probably 20.
Unlike many people, I wasn't involved in any Orientation Camps so, a. I don't know people and b. I Suck at campus directions (hohoho, don't get me started on this. THIS has it's own SNIPPET to come.)

Thankfully, in the case of today, I manage to make friends with OG friends of a friend of mine I made last week. (makes sense?)
And luckily, 2 of them were going to be my classmates in 2 tutorials so I had company for the rest of the day.
I'll describe them another day but for now...
I realise, TRULY realise how sad I feel loitering, hovering and unassociated to a group of people.
Let's not mistake this for attention-seeking uh.
It's really like.....solitude if you don't bother to tap the person next to you, smile and say hi.
I knew that today is my real chance at making new, relatively solid connections.
But sadly, I had raspy voice due to the very recent flu bug and I was sooo close to just giving that chance up. I had no spunk or spirit.
I'm glad I didn't follow my gut feelings and suck it up.
RESULT! I made friends.

I can't stop emphasizing how...lonely it might get in Uni.
It takes you to the point where you don't really mind having Hi-Bye friends or friends you just know you won't contact 10 years down the road.
I don't think it's wrong to preassume where your friendship with someone will take you because life might just prove you wrong.
I'm just saying, if you're in the same position as I am, do what it takes to have that companionship and association.
Who knows, it'll keep you motivated to even go to school or you'd have new experiences because of the new-found peer pressure (Good Peer Pressure, people.) like taking up a new language or maybe more voluntary work?
It's all a matter of willingness.
And (this is a big deal to me) I was willing and determined enough to the point, I asked for their numbers first. Who are these new friends? Guys.
I've never done that, not on the first day at least.

And if you've had a really good conversation with someone from your division/school but they didn't ask for your number, they'll prolly too shy to do so. So be gutsy! (:

-end-

love, A.
p.s. Bestie Z, wanna speak Latin? XP

2011-08-12T21:53:00.002+08:00

I think I like the guy..

i guess that's why today, i'm soooo much more self-conscious.
thinking about why would any guy like me.
and i stare at my thunder thighs and pimplescars-infiltrated reflection on the mirror.
....shit.

there are thin and pretty girls around campus.
eventhough some girls may be plump or fat, they're still pretty.
i feel BOTH fat and ugly today.
....shit.

i'm psyching myself out of liking this guy, people.
it's my defense mechanism.
it's the only way i don't get high hopes when he is all nice and fun to talk to.
......oh, shit.

i'm screwed.

it's been a long while, A.

2011-08-07T19:45:00.003+08:00

It's been very long since I've written here because I know certain people read.

Dear Particular Reader,
If you ever come reading this, you're prolly very desperate.
Let me help you a little bit.

I'm about to have a new beginning tomorrow so why don't you both take your trash else where.
Knock on someone else's door, will you?
You better thank your stars it's the fasting month.
Or I swear I'm going to blow off at you if I were to pick up the phone.

This is my last time, and unlike you, I stick to my words.
Goodbye.

2011-03-13T23:07:00.001+08:00

the EASY parts are the particulars...

after those,

there's nothing for me to write about.

):
A.

2011-02-27T23:08:00.002+08:00

Life and it's colours.

I can safely say that I have had the worst Saturday in my life, so far.
okay, maybe "worst" would be the wrong word to express everything that happened that day.
It was just,....different.

The 'old' boy that came over to AMP to meet me after duty.
He...was the unnecessary surprise.
The 'new' boy who has a lot of things going on for him.
He...got me feeling sympathetic yet scared for my own safety.

I was the absolute mess-up yesterday and I didn't know who to tell.
it's not that I don't try....I guess?
But everytime I think I do, I push the people around me just 2cm away or sth.
(labels: emokid)
geezz..

Anyway, I would be starting an interesting trial run at a job tomoro; labwork.
excited~ (:

love, A.

2011-02-22T11:50:00.004+08:00

on the last day of work,
so many things happened and at times, I didn't had it in me to catch up.

on that Friday, I honestly didn't feel like it was my last day.
it didn't occur to me that I won't be seeing them the next Monday.
like as if the late nights and hurried trips to stationary & art shops were all because we were celebrating some other event.
thankfully, i managed to pull off the gifts and cupcakes in time.

when I showed them the cupcakes and the cards, there were "ooh..."s and "aahhh.."s and the one rare exclamation, "i don't think i can eat this~".
that, would be Mr J.
he gave us motivational little speeches and taught us ways to improve our pitch over the phone.
a very successful man.
he did something that surprised me A lot, placing each kind of cupcake one by one against a partition to take photos.
like himself, there were a few others who asked for the price of a bunch of the cupcakes.
the thought of my little dream job possibly becoming a reality came one step closer when GuyManager made me send one cupcake to the BigBoss.

going in at 2.20ish, I left BigBoss's office at 4.
you can just imagine the tense feeling I had throughout the whole talk with him alone.
he threw big concepts and complex acronyms at me, telling me about his take on the malay society.
although I didn't fully understand the reason for his speech or the thorough concept of it, I can safely say that he is truly a passionate man.
it made me feel proud yet again about the job I took up and the honour of being a part of something possibly revoluntionary for the community.
...and about the baking, he did offer to back me up should I want to start a business.
...and although social work isn't the right branch of social science that I wish to pursue, he even told me to refer to him should I ever want to go for it.
it was really too much to process at that time.
nonetheless, I felt really blessed to be presented by such opportunities, that I have some hope to do something I love in this lifetime.
as a repayment for the advice he gave me, i told him that smoking is not the way out to his stress.
sadly, he only finds that cute and reasoned his way out. pfft.
honestly Boss, they need someone like you for a while more.

GuyManager was VERY surprised to see me come back whole only at 4.
his face was full of guilt too like as if he sent me there and unintentionally got me into some scolding. priceless. (:
but a while after, he gave me the rose and the bear.
and immediately, i cried.
sucker.

it was quite an emotional day that day.
the fact that the receptionist cried because i'm leaving made me tear abit too.
i promised to be back to disturb them and i really wanna do that soon.

but, there's the possibility of being called a nuisance, you know. lol.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the next day, Saturday, was the first day of Youth Enrichment Programme @ JYSS.

my job as a mentor is to tutor them for 2 hours and then have Personal Development for another 2 hours.

I supposedly have 11 kids under me, already the biggest class out of the other mentors'.

but surprisingly, I have 1 more.

too much, too soon you may say because there's too much difference in the personalities that the mix is a bit dangerous if I don't get them settled soon.

I'm already getting nervous typing this out.

you see, we have to do a report on them all after each session and we'll have to know each of their background.

we're their mentors, their friends and we hope to be their confidante.

it excites me because this is after all what I'm looking to do in the future but 12 cases to crack is a little.... *breathes*

thankfully, a majority find me easy to talk to.

that's a big step already.

next week, some ground rules.

and the First: stop towering over my back during lessons.

i swear, their height is something a person of my height should fear. =/

whatever it is, i'm all pumped up for this Saturday.

love, A.

2011-02-11T02:07:00.003+08:00

I am looking forward to a baking spree and a chain of card-making.

today (later) marks the first time I've ever sent in a resignation letter.
next Friday marks the last day of my time as a telemarketer.

I realised, it's not the job that made me leave the company because with the cheery friendly colleagues and bosses there, I reckon I could stay on for the rest of my probation period.
Even if my interest is not in making calls to strangers and sounding like their non-existent close friend.
It was because of the other job opportunity, that I would take up just to have an early headstart on my field of interest.

Throughout my stay there, I've learnt a lot about the different personalities of the public.
the nice, the skeptical and the typical toughies.
honestly, when going down the list, I would keep praying that should the client be a woman, she'd be one that is slightly aged.
they're usually nicer you see.
guys...i rarely skip. (:
and at the end of this experience, I'm not ashamed to have had this job because the company is not one that cons people of their money and their service is that of a good cause.
the bosses have no reason to trick people and entangle them into sticky webs either.
they're TOO well-off to be doing that.

it breaks my heart that my managers are understanding.
you see, I already conditioned my mind to think that one of them will be disappointed in me and threaten to huff down my neck when I break the news but they were so....professional and leader-like about it.
there was an episode when I almost cried talking to the guy manager.
had to fight the urge to hug him.
sigh....

there's not much time and the things I plan to do...is something I've never tried before.
I'm prepared to give my all into this.

love, A.

2011-02-11T01:40:00.002+08:00

One humid night at the "comfort" of my bed...
with my hair, possibly, parted half-way,
the clock reads 1:43am.

there has been a difficulty sleeping these nights...
not for the reasons I last visited blogger.com.
I have gotten over missing that one particular individual.

yesterday night, I dreamt.
it has been a while since I've dreamt and yesterday's isn't something I wish to repeat again tonight.

I dreamt that Bestiegurl invited 80 over people to her luxurious house for a gathering and had so much fun.
that is, until I came to spoil the mood.
mm, apparently I wasn't among the people who were invited.
when I asked, she claimed to not know why I wasn't invited.
she looked really really lost in my dream, like I clicked something in her head to make her look like she came to her senses but she's still not sure why I'm not around.
she eventually chased after me to ask why I wasn't invited when I made my way across her pool and out of the house.

maybe all these may sound weird but I was honestly disturbed when I woke up....
disturbed...down to my core.
I remembered that I was worried for Bestiegurl before sleeping and things I think before sleeping almost always turn into some dream.
I'm thinking and worrying again tonight and I don't want to dream something like that again.

Bestiegurl, I don't know exactly...feel close to you anymore and it scares the shit out of me.
maybe it's just me.
shit, my nose is clogging up.

hugs, A.

2011-01-13T21:39:00.002+08:00

There's a reason to why i've been MIA-ing in the blog. (apart from nothing interesting happening in my life now, of course.)
The reason...
...lies in the soft toy i'm sleeping with these nights.
.....
I'm sorry.
I actually thought out what I wanted to type here but my mind's having its own multi-party conversation again and I just can't sort it, ever.

A.

2010-12-31T20:00:00.002+08:00

On this New Year's Eve,
I just got "dumped".
And my civilised, fake-happy sms to him.... not replied.

I wish to sit aside and envy everyone else who has what I don't.
But i'll live my life, eating pizza and reading off Classifieds.
jiayou Atiqah....and all.

love, A.

2010-12-29T22:57:00.006+08:00

the undying;
a beautiful love story.

through the journey in KL, i've learnt of how strong and how pure a guy's love can be.
the beauty of it just shines in the one person i'm so blessed to have met.
The story of Mr. L.

As he entered the house, he gave off this vibe that i initially read as quiet.
But as my father went to greet him with a hug, the warmth from his smile and the tightness of the embrace led me to think that there's something worth knowing about him.
When we made our way to his place (not so far away), we were warned beforehand to expect a bachelor's kind of house.
But, upon entering, it's nothing like a typical bachelor's house.
Filled with wedding gifts and rooms kept tidy, you'd think someone was there to take care of it with him.

Mum took down a photo and showed it to me.
A very pretty lady with beauties all the more enhanced through the 70s curl hairstyle and sephia-schemed photo.
His ex-wife.
Having had 2 sons with her, she left him for another man.
But that man, was quite the irresponsible and ignorant guy.
He didn't look after her well when she was admitted to the hospital with a chronic disease (i forgot what it was).
It was Mr. L who stood by her and took care of her well-being.
It was Mr. L who had to take care of his two sons too.
(The wedding gifts are results of his fine parenting skills - one of his sons was recently engaged.)
And he was with her throughout the time she was unwell until the moment she passed away.
Up till this date, he proudly hangs frames of stitched patterns his beloved late wife did herself.

I think not complaining and only loving was very handsome of Mr. L.
She was very lucky to have experienced all that love in her last few moments in this world.
Even now, the very mention of her, it doesn't make him wince because she's gone or because she went off with another guy somewhere along their relationship.
He, instead, managed a smile that is followed by a twinkle in his eye.
When asked about re-marrying, he merely shrugged off the idea.
Pure.

He will always love her.
Only her.

If only i'm as blessed....

love, A.

2010-12-23T22:17:00.003+08:00

i understand that the past two posts have had some depth yet mystery.
but, i'm just being honest and only disclose the amount i think i should.
today's no different.
i just have the time to do the thinking (or over-think, if you must), you see.

after complaining to Farhan, i realise that..
i might have been selfish.
and it has come down to this...
it is very hard for me and i hate to have to start this process all over.
i will have to let go of the idea.
[am.not.being.overdramatic.]

planning to have a fresh beginning once i'm back.
i love you, A.

2010-12-22T20:43:00.003+08:00

i had much time to reflect on things.
and earlier this morning, i decided to write an entry out in pencil.
my handwriting was awkward at first but after completing 4 and one-third pages, it doesn't look too bad after all.
All those Words are thoughts on one single issue.
the biggest issue that happened by far, to me, this year.

anyway,
i am looking forward to collecting my passport and going off to KL this long weekend.
enjoy the holidays my readers. (:

love, A.

2010-12-21T19:26:00.002+08:00

after yesterday, i seriously think that Health is still the best.
though you may not notice it, we're the most blessed if we have our health with us.

yesterday was a very painful day; food poisoning.
i don't remember puking so badly. the last time i did was around primary 5.
fever, diarrhea, vomit. ugh, ultimate combo.
i'm alot better now though.
not much nausea or fever left, but if you do the math, there's one thing on the list that's not striked out.
yea, it's a little to gross to say it myself.

anyway, unlike bestie, i've been at home THE WHOLE TIME.
the last time i used my ezlink card......
.......
.......was a little trip to Zul's place.
a mere half hour out and away from the air at home?
geez, i sound more pathetic than i am when i was throwing up and whining.

i'm not so sure what i will do the next few days.
don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm not looking for something to do.
it's just that, the places i searched for, (sadly) don't need me (yet or forever, either).
sigh, i'm even thinking about resorting to taking back piano lessons.
just thinking about having to start over (well, not THAT bad) is quite skin-tearing; painful.
but, that would mean, i'm using money, and not earning.
driver's license...?
NOPE.
i'm very comfortable with taking public transport and not being a hassle on the road.
i will NEED to find something.
if you guys have any idea / slots / suggestions, do tell me.
email: misstiq22@hotmail.com
seriously. <3

okay, my tummy's not good.
love, A.

2010-12-12T22:28:00.003+08:00

Saturday:

Chilli Crabs
Creme Brule
Marble cheese cake

Sunday:

Grilled Beef and Chicken
Crepe with Whipped Cream and Fruits

All these good food....a weekend of sinful indulgence. All thanks to 2nd brother. Truly the star for the weekend. Sigh, Chilli crab was supposed to be my dish but only contributing by cutting the spices makes me the asisstant, no? In any way, we had really wonderful home-cooked meals these two days. (: satisfied....

I planned to type alot more, make you guys salivate, but I'm kinda sick of typing. Mummy has asked a favour from me and that's to help her retype her recipes from the many many courses that she went for in the past year. I am drowning with her almost illegible handwriting and having to do up diagrams for her drawings and organising her own little notes along with the main recipe. THIS FEELS LIKE DOING WR. I'm at my 34th page already..... X.x

I'm going to granny's daycare tomorrow for the whole day with her. It's just a response to invitation by the people there, wanting me to come over. Weird... It started from me asking mummy to pack some baked pumpkin cake for them, which I made myself. Anyway, it will be an experience and challenge for me tomorrow. I need to psych myself to keep being understanding, constantly big-hearted and by no means show any bit of my mood-swings. *Breathes...

Okay, I need to get back to my typing. Oh dear...

love, A.

2010-12-10T07:31:00.002+08:00

the first site that I went to this early morning was Facebook.
well, it seems like the vids and photos are not up yet.
good, i guess.
gives me time to say a few things.

Yesterday, was quite a.....an experience.
I, Nur 'Atiqah Bte Mohd Farhan, went to Zouk to perform with Halfway Alley for SAJC Post-Prom.
Big issue? My attire, I guess.
I wore what I would normally wear when I go out, i.e. with my headscarf (tudung).
At this point, you'd prolly go "O.o" or "whattttttttt..." or "...ouh.".

You see, the past few days, that has been my concern.
Like, whether I should be wearing it or not for the event.
The many responses I got were the all-predicted stares and whispers and the not-so-expected hugs and compliments.
"Oh my god, you get to enter the club in your tudung?? You're changing the norms, girl! *hugs*"
That, coming from a malay girl I barely knew and who barely acknowledges me in school.
Sure, I'm changing the norms.
But what I don't want to send is the message that there's going to be a whole new wave of girls in tudung in the club just because their friends saw me doing it.
No, I was there simply to perform.
So, there was a very very tough struggle with myself to stick to me being me or to conform.

I admit, that I wavered alot, and got lost.
But I really thank my parents, Jannah, the malay girls who praised my guts and my classmates for making me feel that no matter what my decision is, they're still there for me.
And my decision that night, made them respect me more. It shows.

That aside, performance was not bad.
Our vocals sounded alright, at least to me.
The super upsetting thing was that there were only 2 mics but 3 singers.
Wanting to immerse myself in the song was really hard when I'm the one sharing with Jannah.
She's so overpowering and possesses a strong stage presence that I feel really belittled.
If, if, if there are any vids posted, you'll prolly see me looking around awkwardly and not so much at the audience.
You see, they're really at my face that I can't bare to see their faces, expressions and most significantly, their eyes.
I suck at making eye-contact.
Talking to me, you'll prolly realise I'll stare at your mouth moving rather than your eyes.
....I hope it was well.
The audience were quiet throughout the performance such that I wondered whether we did really really well such that they were mesmerized or the extreme opposite.

Anyway, now that post-prom is over.
I officially have nothing planned on my calendar.
Darnzzzzz.
I hope I can work the part-time with Aya's company.

love, A.

2010-12-09T01:38:00.004+08:00

I feel very very grateful towards Jannah.
after worrying so much and struggling with myself for the past few days, her simple sms made me feel extremely at ease.
I'm confident that whatever may happen tmr, she's got my back.
sigh, she really exudes the natural motherly side of her that i was sure she possessed.
i'm so so thankful she's a part of Halfway Alley.

i have to fight this loneliness...on my own (?).

love, A.

2010-12-06T08:54:00.004+08:00

Goodmorning readers. Had breakfast yet? (:
.
It's the first monday of freedom.
Zoe's away with Koreans at SYC, Siti's in school and so is every other poly friends I know.
I'm not sure what the next few days has installed for me other than post-prom. boo.
.
Anyway, there's one thing that I've been wanting to recommend since I've watched it.
the local play - CINDEREL-LAH.
It is suppppeeeerrrr hilarious.
Some cast members include Gurmit Singh, Najip Ali and Enlai.
Well yes, the seats cost quite a sum but it is really worth it.
I've never went for a large-scale play before and now I understand where the ticket money goes to.
They have really good props and really eye-catching costumes.
Judging by the natural acting, it must have been a production that took up almost a year's worth of practice.
You'll really laugh the whole way through so go go go! (:

this is a souvenir, star wand. <3
there was this one scene where I cheered the loudest out of the entire play.
.
The stepsisters heard that the girl who danced with the Prince at the Fish Ball (Cindy) was from a faraway place and told the stepmum.
Stepmum: I knew it!! These foreigners are always coming in and taking what's rightfully ours!
*still cheering~
.
I don't mean to offend anyone.
It's just that me, being a student who's looking into having a place in NUS, would have similar feelings. (:
....I've always thought that Singapore don't have our own culture.
We're just a mix of everyone else's.
But, come to think of it, Singlish is the one (and maybe the only) thing that sets us apart from everyone.
And the way the play used it to their advantage was very amusing.
*thumbs up
.
Friday's trip to Fuji Maru...

they had to depart to Vietnam.
so there was this very heart-warming ceremony.
although I only met the foreigners for less than a day, I was almost driven to tears by their voyage and the constant hand-waving.
sigh... i miss both batches of foreigners. =/

drawing of zoe.
.
love, A.

p.s. chore of the day/century: clearing my room.

2010-12-02T17:31:00.004+08:00

One of the proudest pages in Bestie's Grad Gift..
Just because I didnt have beige paint and had to mix colours to get it. (:
.
Initially, intially...
when the paper ended, I was so pumped and ready to have tons of fun.
I was really excited and looking forward to the plans I had today.
But the afternoon sun got the better of me.
.
Standing by the road side and trying to hail a cab is NOT my thing.
I just don't have the luck.
People get infront of me and get the cabs that supposedly belonged to me.
THREE times.
Then cabs who actually stopped and rolled down their window (already a bad sign), refuse to send me to the esplanade.
TWICE.
There should be such thing like consumer rights/sovereignty for cabs. Geez.
.
After practicing for just 2 hours (because I was late), we left esplanade to go home.
I am super super drained now.
It's prolly coz of the late nights too.
Now that bestie's present is done, there'll prolly be earlier lights out.
Down side? There's no mission to complete.
..........
Hmm, maybe there is....
*creepy smile forming~
.
I'll be going on board Nippon Maru tomorrow with the foreigners I met today.
Sounds like fun but... I kind of have trouble making conversation.
I don't really like small talk so, having to get used to starting them is...hard.
When I met them, it's like 3 out of 4 are mostly minding their own business, taking photos and chatting amongst themselves.
In my mind, I keep worrying about what topics to even talk about.. the topsy-turvy whether? the whole introduction thing?
You see, they've been together on the ship sailing to different Asian countries so they're rather close on their own.
It makes me wonder whether they are really bothered about their hosts here.
Makes me wonder if my presence would make a difference.
But, nonetheless, I am determined to make my existence known.
Just like how I talked to the guys from last year. That went really well.(:
I will make an impact, with effect from 8.30am tomorrow.
.
I am like pre-Frankenstein just waiting to get a jolt of life.
tireeeddd....
.
love, A.

2010-12-01T23:38:00.002+08:00

When asked,
There's this...tinge of...hesitation.
Like the feeling of giving up something so huge.
oh my, I just saw my whole future flash in front of me should I let "it" go.

....
Decision stays; giving.

love, A.

2010-11-25T04:34:00.002+08:00

While waiting for sleep to seep in....

mm, it's quite cartoonish, i realise.

tried my best to keep it realistic.

it's 4.34am.

let's hit the pillows...again.

love, A.

2010-11-24T22:28:00.003+08:00

Something cute happened when we - Ayah, Mama, Nenek and I - were out to dinner.

Ayah: "Girl, nenek, left nose."
(come to think of it, we only have one nose. He's referring to the nostril.)
A: "What?"
Mama: "Mm, taik hidung."
(taik hidung = booger)
A: "Oh."
*takes tissue and wipes nenek's nose
*doesn't work
A: "Nenek, hmph!"
*Nenek hmphs
*still have...
A: "Nenek, hmph! more."
*Again, nenek hmphs
*doesn't work
A: (a little pissed it doesnt come out) "Nenek, mm (does monkey face, like above)"

The cute (and surprising) thing was she hugged me and kissed my cheeks while laughing cheerily. (:
It feels good that I made her laugh.
But honestly, I just want that booger out.
No matter how old she is, I want her to look her best.
At that time, I didn't really felt the bliss of her hug till seconds later.
I felt more like a girl on a mission, really.

just happy.
love, A.

p.s. I got a feeling I'm about to confide into mummy. Will do so tomoro.

2010-11-24T20:17:00.002+08:00

having this much time till the last day of paper, makes me....

slack
lazy to study
reflect alot
somehow, lose interest in rice (thus, proper meals)
slack

I've been surviving on bread and biscuits, which isnt good coz they're in small amounts and you don't really know the full-stop when it comes to consuming them. Having to force some rice into myself during yesterday's dinner was just to please mummy. Honestly, there wasnt any taste. Even with soup and my favourite veggie (lady's fingers). I kinda surprise myself when I had the first half-mouthful. When mummy's not around, my lunches (yesterday and today) became simply grapes. This is...bad isn't it? Tonight we're going for BK. Hmm, I don't feel hungry.

Bestie, I just read your blog. I went wide-eyed when I read you had no appetite too. Then again...you don't always eat regularly. *Swallowed back words that were about to come out: "we're really sisters~"*

Anyway, these days, I've been reflecting a lot. Back to the pending fiery issue on acceptance. It's always at the back of my mind. I don't know what's with the low self-esteem. GEEZ. So tiring to even say such sappy stuff. I'm not sure who is the right person to tell all this to. I need someone who can understand, who won't judge, who would listen and take it like as if he/she is experiencing it herself, who won't give me advice in a way that would piss me off. I really haven't find that someone yet. Bother... I need to get this off my chest. The most important thing is being able to understand me, like genuinely. *silently throws tantrum

On a happy note, Halfway Alley has decided on a list of song. YAY~ Can't wait till practice on monday. (:

I will go listen and study the songs now.

love, A.

2010-11-22T22:37:00.003+08:00

phewww...
having to figure out the know-how of filling up the relief teaching form was quite a task.
thank god i have the grapes to accompany me. (:

mm, there's no reply from the admin from the teaching attachment programme. =/
maybe they saw my U in GP for prelims and just discarded the entire form.
teebaby encouraged me to call MOE though.
but ohmy, im not like benjamin.
anyway, the alternative (relief teaching) has been submitted.
hope that works out.

i'm really worried about the forms, somehow just really want to be part of the experience.
i'm already feeling the gap that "studies" will leave *editted* once 2nd dec is over.
what WILL i do with my time?
i....hesitate having to work in F&B places or sales department.
i'd rather be behind the desks working my butt through papers (for personal financial support) then being around hospitals/day cares for disabled (for personal contentment).
wanting the best of both worlds...
well, losing weight with zoebestie is, of course, a daily thing to consider everyday after her SYC but still, we need to fill our own time, right right?

hope everything will fall into place nicely.
love, A.

2010-11-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

The thought of being a clinical or neuro or occupational psychologists excites me.
I realise my chances are rather slim.... straight As or grades like AAB/B even seem like a faraway dream.
I...will do what makes me happy.

At this point of time, I realise that if I have to retake As, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Its okay, so long as I hold on to this sincere heart.
I've always felt tired of having to compete with my friends in this cutthroat, dog-eats-cat world.
I will take whatever route that's been set for me.
Nothing's rushing me.
My final destination is happiness and self-contentment. (:

love, A.

2010-11-19T21:37:00.002+08:00

thankyou bestie. (:
So happy now that I have both a colouring book and "GIGANTIC book of Wordsearch".
weird weird cravings.
I coloured that minnie in crayons...been a while handling such oily pastels. not bad right? ((:
oh oh, and i did 10 wordsearch puzzles already..
I have stuffs to fill my day now. yay~!
.
thankyou thankyou!
will go do more wordsearch now. *BEAMS
love, A.

2010-11-18T20:24:00.002+08:00

The sad life of how dreams remain as dreams.
I wish to meet the person who came into my dreams.
I wanna feel that happy again.

love, A.

2010-11-16T21:23:00.003+08:00

it's Hari Raya tomorrow.
Although there's no feeling of celebration whatsoever, the first thing I did when I came home with my bubbletea was to do housechores. Stuff I did are as follows:

Iron bedsheets
Change bedsheets
Vaccuum the 2nd floor
Mop the 2nd floor
Wash the stuff toys in the house

It has been awhile since I did all these house chores. Sure, the usual washing clothes and washing dishes are like daily routine but going all out like this, even my brother stood and admire my hardworking attitude. Well, actually there's a reason behind my fanatic perfectionistic cleaning act...initially. Wanted to get on mum's good list so I can go have sushi date with tee and afni. EPIC FAIL. So, I just continued my work, "still" whole-heartedly.

While changing bedsheets, there were two biggest challenges - Big Brother's and Granny's Bed.

Big Brother's bed is like the 2nd tier to the double bed set. Having to slot the bedsheet through the bars, having to push the real heavy&thick mattress upwards countless times and realising that the first time round, I used the wrong bedsheet, oh-my-god. My fault, for being ambitious when everyone else said I should just leave it. What can I say? I like a challenge. Result: one popped blister and another still in tact. pfft.

Granny's bed (weak laughter) is like the weight of 1000 sand bags. The thing about her mattress is it's the kind that needs toppling over and turning around after a few months. You know, just to keep the shape. Again, mum said if I can't, I should just leave it. People should seriously just stop saying that, its like as if I'm being challenged to. So I did eventually do everything neatly and properly on my own. Result? My right arm, from the shoulder all the way to the wrist, ache, like Jell-O.

The saddest outcomes from all these,

No sushi date, and
I can't complain (much) because it's my fault (ego-related)

I'm really having trouble typing and texting. What more to do timed-practice for Econs this friday. SHITTTTT. I pray this aching feeling doesn't get worse tomorrow. Super slim chance for that. *breathes My wrist really hurts. *sobs

I don't know what to feel for Chem today. I would elaborate but the hand is screaming.

love, A.

2010-11-15T10:59:00.003+08:00

"i'll be chilling for today."
apparently, that lasted for...the weekends too.
and it NAGS on my conscience.

After my years of experience with in-grown toenail (im sorry to touch on this relatively gross subject), I would think that any pain would either make me laugh it off or i'd be able to suck it in like the "strong" person I am. But on that painful Saturday, I cried. And when you cry, sometimes a lot of other thoughts come into your mind right? When I cried, 'A' levels just popped into my head and seriously, I cried harder. No link to my toenail, I know. Sigh, shows the inner heart.

Anyway, yesterday's breakfast was quite....fun. The whole family was seated.
Granny: (stares) Did you get new specs?
Me: No, it's been quite a while already. (starting to get uncomfortable from the stares)
...in the middle of breakfast.
Granny: Ani (mum), I want to get specs like Atiqah.
Mum: (laughs) Why? Later you look young. The specs are only for young people, mum.
Granny: Never mind lah. I want the bottom half to have no frame like hers.
Everybody (but me) LAUGHS.
Mum: She already don't like to be compared to me, what more to look like you, mum.
Granny: Ya, later people wonder who is the grandchild and who is the grandmother.
More laughter.

Honestly, didn't know granny could kid around like that. But it's nice to see her more loose and carefree rather than the sometimes scared dear old lady that she is. (:

Hmm...
Just this morning I've been thinking about ACCEPTANCE. In some of my GP papers concerning youths, I've wrote acceptance as a point in explaining why teens act the way they do. It's really easy to write it out, bring it across as a intellectual point. But actually living it, that's hard. I know that everyone has their own set of problems all tied back to wanting to feel accepted. But for some reason (maybe because i'm living my life), I feel like I prolly have it quite hard.

At times, there's this great pressure on having to conform to fit in. The want to avoid all the possible uncomfortable/offensive/insensitive questions from everyone else. It's come to the point that you can already envision what people would say when you act this way or dress that way. And I don't know, maybe half the time, you start to think up of other scenarios that might happen when actually they're just exaggerations. Then, you start to not be yourself just to look pleasing to everyone else, majorly for their comfort.

Up till this point, I'm not very sure where I'm going with this. I'm not saying that consideration for others isn't good. It's not good only when you think too much for everyone else and lose yourself in the process. I, for one, will do my best to stick to myself and my decisions. At the same time, I'll be okay with any weird looks and inappropriate questions that comes my way. By doing so, I guess I can live with myself better. Good luck to those who are trying to find yourself. You're not alone in this. (:

so, here's all my love,
true A.

2010-11-12T19:49:00.003+08:00

.HOME-BOUND.

things above:

countdown made two weeks plus ago
exam schedule
sour sweets to keep me company through the night (mm, gained weight =/ )
Q-cards of things-to-do
overflooding piles of worksheet

Been staying home alot. Studying seems to be the sole mission in life for now. But it's not like i study 24/7, there's always the TV, youtube and the fridge you know? (hee.) These past few days of not updating wasn't hard to do. Prolly coz this blog doesn't have a chatbox nor a visitor counter, so i've been under the impression that nobody really reads it. Which, hey, is okay for me.

Although there has been a time recently when i was texted and questioned about non-existant intentions. Let's not get to that. [Some final words: dear reader, i don't get it why you come to this page anyway.]

The battle has begun and in all honesty, the first paper already killed about 50% of my lifebar. (I guess i'm gonna be one of those students who blogged/twitted/fb-ed about Chem paper 3) The feeling after doing that paper, and the fact that it was the first, is sooo demoralising. I'm with Ayidah when she said "I don't care if the plane carrying our papers crash now". Seriously. I'm trusting them to not kill us twice with the next paper on tuesday. *breathes* Let's revitalise, weapon-up and keep our strength, friends.

The first week was not easy to pass. 4 straight days, pretty intense. Although I feel relieved now, it's entangled with some feeling of fear, uneasy and worry. Sure, 5 down, 5 more to go. But you see, half our chance to make any difference has passed. I really hope I'll do well. The thing is, even if there's slight confidence in some of my scripts, you won't really know how everything would turn out until...until the results prove themselves. *pray* To be honest, would i be dissapointed to get 70+? Maybe a little. But it's just me, I expect too much. If I get those marks, just shows that I didn't put in enough effort to get anything more. This pessimistic side isn't working for me. I will be fine. (:

The last photo...

...the PE shirt isn't for school loyalty per se. Show you.

Chrystalove is missed.

I'm sorry that unlike zoe, i'm MIA. I hope you're doing fine. I bet your paranoia of "fat" is not as bad as what you project it to be. You've always been slim, don't worry. A little exercise would get you far. The hills are there for a reason, no? (:

Studies-wise, I trust that you're doing okay.

Money-wise, I believe that you're making ends meet.

Socialising skills, you seem to be fitting in well. *thumbs up*

Cooking skills, you're planning on improving, aren't you? Joking~

We should talk soon. Though the 3seconds lag may get on my nerve, hearing you, your stories and your problems would make my day.....not so much the problems though.

Love you.

I'll be chilling for today.

Love, A.

2010-10-25T19:36:00.002+08:00

"Don't look back and leave,

Don't find me again and live on.

I have no regrets from loving you, so take only the good memories.

I can bear it in some way

I can stand it in some way..."

- chorus of BIG BANG - HARU HARU

To my dear who is hurting..

I can't say I know what you're going through because I don't.

I can't tell you to get right back on your feet because it's hard.

But I'm here, you know that.

If you need me to be physically next to you, I'll be there in a phonecall, really really.

Even if I were to live in Eunos or whatever.

I'm not gonna ask you to be instantly okay.

I...just really hope thatyou wont cultivate the hate in you for very long.

It's an easy way out but twice as tiring.

My heart really aches for you.

I'm here, I'm here. *hugs*

Atiqah.

2010-10-24T20:02:00.003+08:00

just comparing the first 16 secs... that's where poor onew messed up. =/

taeyang~(:

2010-10-24T10:23:00.014+08:00

KPOP NIGHT 2010~!

the day finally came. (: (<- you'll prolly see many many many many smileys in this post.) shall we do with pictures first?

while waiting...

at 7.15pm, the screen started playing a video and the entire EXPO hall 2 went nuts (me included).

screaming and screaming and screaming.

but you know, it turned out to be just a set of three commercials (promoting Korea-ish) that replayed 3 times just to fill time.

LOL. kiasu Singaporeans.

at 8pm sharp, hosts from KBS Showbiz Extra + Singaporean guy came onto the stage to....host.

the Korean ambassador for Singapore (i think) along with the Minister of Foreign Affairs came to give their speeches, which many didn't really paid attention to.

the minister did say little about politics and trade that made me think about econs, for that split second.

but the concert officially started right after, making all sense of guilt disappear. (:

Now, in order of performances...

FT Island!! (:

The Boss (Rookie group)

ZE:A

Infinite

SHINee (minus main vocalist, Jonghyun) ----something happened, read on?

Girl's Generation (dolls, really.)

Big Bang xoxoxo> Big Bang - G-D...he actually sat at the corner of the stage. chaos followed shortly after. (:

Big Bang - TAEYANG (fangirl scream!!) ((:

Big Bang - TOP moved. =/ but he really is very very goodlooking in a chiseled face kind of way.

TOP = siti's (hah.)

Finale Walk-out

Each group managed to sing about 4 songs, with exception of Big Bang who sang 6-7. (:

really really really worth the money.

About SHINee's main vocalist JongHyun, it actually came out in the newspapers today.

He couldn't come due to an injury (ankle, i think.) which he got when he was at Indonesia.

cause (i heard) : fans.

the newspaper even reported of a girl who sold her ticket coz he wasn't coming. =/

anyway, the 4 members did do well even without their lead singer....well, not good enough to not have him around, actually.

at the start of the song "Ring Ding Dong", leader Onew took over JongHyun's part and completely (no offence) messed it up. i have the video but...it takes really long to load here. i'll prolly put it up later.

hmm, messed up to the point that he missed out the third line coz the lyrics are just wrong.

but, fans being fans, we cheered twice as hard. (:

Oh oh oh, towards the end when Big Bang came out for encore (or maybe planned encore), TOP threw his towel (with sweat) towards my direction.

C-H-A-O-S.

i...almost fell?

Afni was damn funny, for actually reaching out.

the towel eventually got ripped into pieces and shared amongst fans. nooo...im not one of them.

really hardcore huh.

im just wondering, whether those fans will seal and frame it up. coz if not, just imagine the smell that it would give out after a few days. (again, no offence)

taeyang threw his towel tooooo.. but to the other side. pfft.

we got home a tad bit before 12.

abang wasn't feeling well and puked alot. poor guy still sick in his room.

as i laid in bed yesterday, i was thinking that this concert... i wouldnt trade it for another if i could only go for one.

A. company was great.

B. line-up of groups were aweeesome.

C. i actually became a fan (differs in magnitude, though) of almost all of the groups afterwards.

if if if if if by a chance of miracle, parents would allow me to go for another concert (in reality, never.gonna.happen), i would totally want to go.

i really had the time of my life yesterday. (: (: (: (: (:

now, life resumes.

[videos would be up on facebook. god knows how long that'll take.]

love, A.

2010-10-14T19:52:00.002+08:00

unknown: "how do we know the graph is a straight line graph?"
A: "when the graph....shows a straight line?"

weird pranksters (or rather, cowardly desperate pranksters) don't pick up calls and text "Just text me" as a reply.
weird pranksters say they have exam the next day and ask to meet a stranger for help the day before.
if you're really bad at it, ask a friend. second option? just shrivel and die doing the paper.
aiyo, call yourself a guy. ask over a msg for stead, dared to call me "sayang" (SHIVERS) and yet so chicken. if they plan to be like a mat, why not stick to it all the way?
"he" (random guy/girl) just had to appear out of thin air when im not in the best condition.
result: person got ignored, threatened to be reported and spam calling just to scare.
im just wondering, how can he be right about certain specific things? sca-rey.

today was our farewell ceremony.
many speeches, video presentation, college song, college hymn, admin and reception.
though kinda draggy at times, the time spent in class taking pictures and exchanging gifts made up for it all.
zoebestie and i did graduation gifts up till 4-5 am this morning.
but as usual, at the end of it all, it was worthwhile.

chrystal, if you're reading this, i made a gift for you too. <3
actually, it's not been made yet but materials are bought.
you, huiqing, amelia and jocelyn will have the same yet different thing.
hmm, i didnt take photo of theirs though. so like, nothing to see and compare also. =/
i will....make the rest take photo and post on their fb for you to see k? (:

after all the hairtie-making and decisions and shoppings, i can finally sit down and study.
countdown: 25 days
i am uber uber scared. because you wouldnt know just how all your hardwork would turn out.
i will keep pressing on.. and i will pray for clarity of mind and ease of study..

this would be my last post before i scramble and hide in a cave to mug.
so until next time,

xoxo, A.

2010-10-13T01:31:00.002+08:00

Officially, 3 things i dread:
a. exams
b. results
c. working with glitter

hmm, i wouldnt say today was productive in a study kind of way.
but i surely made a breakthrough in making crafts.
yay me~! (:
thank god school is in the afternoon tomorrow/later.
will sleep after a little play.

love, A.

2010-10-06T20:27:00.005+08:00

Zoe: "what did the toast say to the toaster?"
Atiqah: "What?"
Zoe: "(sings) Just gonna stand there and watch me burn~"
LOL.

I am really glad, super glad that i'm the one who told zoebestie her rank points for prelims.
The joy on her face, that first moment, i actually felt blown away.
I am sooooo really happy that the news I told her made her feel that way.
She looked like she could cry.
(i sound like a les, but .am.not. okay?)

bestie, i understand that you feel quite disturbed afterwards because three subjects got moderated after all.
but still... we counted together and found out that you'd get to be on the list either way.
don't you feel reassured? your hard work is paying off, yes? (:
i will bask in pure happiness with you tomorrow if the list is shown.
though, you may have felt jealousy escaping from the pores of my skin...it's not bad jealous.
i wanna be up there with you and the 4 others too.
not the "i'll kill you" kind.
i have no one else to blame but myself, really. (...stupid GP)
let's work harder till 'A's~

yea, we got back our prelim rank points today.
everyone seemed to have passed.
whether it was because of the moderation or not, it doesn't really matter to me.
i just hope at the end of the day, everyone's more motivated to do better.

my half-alien phone battery is optimized charging.

love, A.

2010-10-03T21:52:00.003+08:00

some songs that interest me...

the most charming part? the guy teared.

the vocals explain itself.

the last one, simply fun. (:

love, A.

2010-10-02T21:50:00.003+08:00

The third last week of school ended rather quick.
Throughout which, i believe i felt a range of emotions.
I've told zoebestie that i wanted to feel reassured this prelims.
Well, i wont lie...
....i feel even more scared.

Not only naturally because there's not much time to 'A's, 1 month and 6-7 days to be exact.
But also because instead of having similar low grades for every subject,
It was so much more extreme this time.
yes, im very very scared.
i wanted to find kina for some help or some words to calm me down...maybe later through fb.
i felt like shiiitttttt when i saw my GP marks.
sigh, cannot say anything now because i knew it was really just my mistake.

The next few days....i honestly am not sure how to spend it.
I feel sian rather than boosted, knowing that the studying has to be kicked up a few notches.
I will...console/stress myself.
The fact that this exam determines my life sometimes slip from my mind and i tend to slack then.
I tend to fail to see the reason to study at such times.
And at such times, i just wish i had a special someone to turn to and make things/times special/fun for me. (random)
I just went through some photos in my comp and realise that i looked 2 years older just going through this year.
The fun i had last year, the many mini-outings with my precious people... i had so little of that this year. I feel upset.
But whatever, after this intense few months, i will have my time.
I have to keep telling myself that.

Hmm, i did work just now.
..and it made me want to write a letter to the school to let me have extra time during exams to do the paper.
i guess i rushed through homework, trying to train myself to write faster somewhat.
and writing more afterwards hurt some nerve at my elbow.
still hurting now. is this a valid issue?
i dunno.

i guess...im resting now. (:
(hears yiwen shouting "SLACKER")

love, A.

2010-09-20T00:00:00.001+08:00

it feels weird to see him solo. but at least, after all that happened last year, his dreams wasnt completely shattered.

2010-09-19T11:19:00.006+08:00

they're memories i've kept well...

i just felt like putting all these up for all to see. it'll be on fb too.

hmmm....

i'll always be thankful for all the efforts put in to make me feel better/loved/appreciated.

the scrapbook filled with your efforts and my memories and smiles will always be my most precious belonging.

there are some other letters, i realised i didnt put in.

i will take the time to do so soon.

thankyou everyone. hugs all tightly*

my love to you, A.

2010-09-19T03:39:00.002+08:00

i just switched on the kpop radio and taeyang's just started playing.
site, if interested: http://www.shoutcast.com/radio/Kpop
i couldnt ask for a better song at this point of time.
not the concept, nor the meaning.
i just remembered that someone likes this artist.
.
sigh.
i might not be thinking right on this morning, 3.44am.
but im just gonna say that i miss talking to you.
im placing down my ego, and i'm telling you that i realise it's been 2 weeks.
i texted you. i was disappointed (sometimes to the point that i'm frustrated) that you didnt reply.
some told me to hold on to my ego and never reach you for as long as you dont try to do the same.
honestly, that's the way im leaning towards most of the time.
but i've been feeling unhappy these days.
i guess, this is the only way to make myself feel at ease.
[the song has stopped...]
.
no, i don't expect anything at this point of time.
now that i've set it all out, stated how i feel in the open..
i dont expect anything.
i'm telling you that i've stopped hoping.
it's not like we're in any relationship (as this entry might imply to others and how many miserable fights and misunderstandings we've been through like couplesquabbles people assumes), but like i tell anyone, friendship and loyalty...mm, means alot.
this.....i don't know, doesnt seem to work out many times.
i'm not telling us to "break up" coz i don't even know what you're thinking because you just do as you wish.
i don't know what's the right thing to do.
and i don't know what you want me to do.
the only thing i can afford to do is i guess, i'll just let you be.
leave you to settle yourself.
i will wait till you find it alright to talk to me.
.
on this note, i'll let you know that i care for you.
i hope you're safe.
.
love, A.

2010-09-17T20:16:00.001+08:00

i didnt do anything much the whole day.
ran, then binge (-.-) and watched videos all day.
after dinner, i wanted to do something different, that doesnt concern the comp.
dun wanna feel like a lump on the bed.
so i printed colouring pages, not alot, two.
i really wanted to do them.
then i realised....i dont have my colour pencils anymore.
am unhappy. tsk.

2010-09-13T00:24:00.007+08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i want to sleep.
i want to have a clear mind for tomoro's prelims.
but as i lie on my bed, i keep thinking.
not that i want to.
the messed up sleeping hours must have played a part in all these.
im not tired enough to sleep, though my eyes hurt to open, my back hurts to sit up.
.
the saddest part is the fact that all the thoughts, are disturbing in some ways.
thoughts of the paper tomoro and the next few days.
thoughts of being free from all these soon. this is pure torture, seeing as im still here now.
thoughts of not being able to enjoy the free time after this, thinking i didnt do well enough.
thoughts of missing friends and the feeling of missing some friends.
how to sleep peacefully?
i'm just not as good to compartmentalised these thoughts away.
no matter how many times i keep sitting up in my bed, and the times i keep inhaling deeply.
i even tried to sing myself to sleep. does.not.work.
i'll prolly end up sleeping in the train tomoro to compensate my late-night activities tonight (sooo not studying) to make myself sleepy.
.
hmm, im able to upload one photo.
but have epicly failed in mass uploading raya photos.
will find one day to do it all.
will you guys wait till my prelims end?
though it'll be a very late update. =/
.
i'll go do miscellaneous things now.
love, A.

2010-09-07T01:44:00.001+08:00

She is fabbbb...O.o

2010-09-06T19:45:00.003+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~

*brrreeeeattthhheeeee
my nerves have popped.
my veins actually managed to surface through (the fats).
and im not sure how long i'll live if this continues.

i really don't think it's worth proving myself to you.
but you, being the lice in my life, have to keep throwing your assumptions/presumptions/accusations at me.
i.e. you have nothing better to do.
and me...i keep finding myself having to stand my ground against u.
you just wont stop being self-absorbed.
only you, being the myopic/naive/unwise/immature "little" thing, would associate "AFFECTED" to mere love.
i, for one, am not capable to such strong emotion yet.
for another, i have not, repeat, HAVE NOT been thinking about either one of you for goddamn long.
so what makes you think i even love him? geez.
every msn/facebook/messages/numbers have been deleted and blocked.
doesnt that signal anything?
as much as you want a clean start for yourself, so do i. so stop the harrassment.
take a step out of your little bubble and for once in your life, think.
do you think that like you, my life revolves around him?
like you, i need to find a physical reason to live and it's him?
like you, its him i cry for and lose my breath in the process?
good god.
why are you so blardy insecure?
he hasn't been giving you attention?
you're at the peak of your maternity experience?
or have you not gotten over the fact that its not you he wants?
pfft.
i'm not this bitchy and you know it.
i was nice to you but you just had to doubt.
doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.
your life is a freaking drama that i dont wish to be a part of.

i'll be "nice" for one second here.
Affected
[Cambridge dictionary] influenced
[Wiktionary] influenced or changed by something
[Merriam-webster] marked by affectation
bet you're enlightened....or maybe it screwed up your mind even more.
whichever works.
i was affected because it is a stupid past that i dont wanna turn to.
i regret having genuine/true/untainted concerns for you and him.
i regret trusting you and him.
i regret that i've even attempted to offer my help.
most of all, i loathe the times he said he loves me.
what was it that he said?
"whatever pure feelings he had left was meant for me"?
what he fails to realise is that pureness does not lie in feelings itself, but the person as a whole.
real pureness only comes from the being, his actions, the lifestyle he choose to take, the promises he choose to keep, and for the way he cherish the trust of the one he loves.
so i really don't care for what he thinks about me now.
even if i hear "i love you" from him, i'll barf at this point in time.
im not sorry because it truly is insulting.

what i don't regret is that i get to learn..
..learnt that having to be involved in such mess, one which im not aware of the depth, would only lead myself to misery and torture. i love myself enough to not put myself through another second of it.
..learnt that such ______ people would only pull me waaaayyy down in life.
you?
you'll never learn i guess.
always with the suspicions and tears and needless paranoia.
but who could blame you really.
you choose to stick yourself to someone like him.

i dont care what you think right now.
i dont care what he thinks either.
i dont care if you plan to tell him word for word what i say in this entry.
i dont care, period.
just a word of warning, one more sound, from any of you, it's restraining order.
im serious.
2 years is far too long.

and just to spite you,
he truly does not love you.

bubbye. (:

-------

now that that chapter's closed.
i'll clear my head and start a new day studying.
would someone please boost me?

A.

2010-09-06T00:24:00.001+08:00

wow.
that's the third irritating text i got today.
just get the clue, and move on.
im not gonna bother replying.

2010-09-05T17:36:00.004+08:00

"sorry, hu is dis?"
"no problem."
those texts are just so you would think i changed my number or make you think i forgot urs.
you prolly bought it.
good.

i don't like, you know, being reminded of some stupid corner of my past.
im not sure what my issue is, really.
maybe you could say im afraid of it or it's just too painful.
so when i woke up to a blank text today from someone i dun wanna talk to (ever), it just spoils my day/next few days.
because whether i like it or not, im affected.
and i try my best not to be.

i doubt you're reading this, but just in case you are.
i don't really care about what's going on in ur life or his right now, but could you please keep him in check.
im doing very well without the drama you guys are in. thanks.

....

im really supposed to be studying right now, but i cant seem to focus.
(maybe coz of "that". bleaugh.)
i havent been studying religiously these past few days and im far from ready for tomoro's math mock test.
yes, i need to stop procrastinating but then again, i havent been feeling well either.
sigh..excuses.
okay okay, i need to get my mess straight.
felt abit blar when i saw bestie's post:
(quote) "NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE IF YOU GET BAD RESULTS....YOU DEAL WITH FAILURE FUTURE ON YOUR OWN"(quote)
though it sounds more correct "future failure", reading it sent a arrow right to my conscience.
what to doooooo....
=/

love, A.

2010-09-04T08:15:00.002+08:00

and it starts at 50...100...120...140...150...200.......
........doesnt end....

the world is like a money-making playground to some.
where loyalty and trust means nothing.
where butt-biting and back-stabbing is a norm.

i just got a taste of reality this early morning.
its as if once you lag by a second, the whole world finds your weakness and they find it fast, mind you.
at that point, you either get well-exploited or left behind.
but you know, the sweet and comforting truth is that, if you persevere enough and fight back to make things right for yourself, you might just get that silver lining.
things would get better for you.
and you cant help but to smile.
three cheers for us. (:

love, A.

2010-08-31T23:10:00.002+08:00

ohmygod. i just realised..

look at that disastrous long frinch *close face

this is like.. at 1 or 2am+?

hardcore gift-making duo. (:

oh, please look at this video!

she is DAMN good.

love, A.

2010-08-31T22:07:00.003+08:00

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY~ (:
me and bestiezoe did a good job of going to both SA and fuhua today.
(it's a little awkward for me to do reporting coz i've been out of blogging for quite awhile now. i'll do my best to entertain. (: )
.
i'll show you what we did for our SA teachers!!

nice right? ^^ the drawing of Mr Lee is not bad right?

it took me a whole dawn-morning at Macs to do those 7 cards.

okay lah, small and low quality but it's really a tough task to accomplish leh. (secretly praising myself. hee.)

zoe's cards are as ultimate as ever. (: pro-girl.

glue is truly her (second) bestfriend.

...and i think i mistreated her UHU. baby, shall buy you the 7.30 one ok? just tell me when you're out of it. >.<

today at SA, nothing really big happened.

prolly coz the concert is restricted to J1s, or rather the J2s are unofficially uninvited.

zoe cried when she went to trespass and watch videos during the concert.

but that shall be her story to tell.

we just had this thought; that school life as we're comfortable with has already ended as of now.

okay, maybe a little more after prelims.

what the future prolly has for us.... homework = projects, friendly tutors = cold lecturers, days without each other in class (<- saddest thought)? i'm quite glad that i actually planned to do something for this year's teacher's day.

the one day i can show my appreciation.
.
so anyway, we cabbed to fuhua from PP, in time for the celebration...or what's left of it.

as always, it's a true genuine joy to see everyone. (miss them already ): )

you know, when i was a student there, i always wonder why the alumni even bother coming back or when do they find the time to.

but now i know that those are just worthless thoughts.

my own reason for coming back: the simplicity of secondary school, fun teachers and great ever-lasting friends.

won't you agree?

Mr Low said that zoe and i didn't change, since 2D.

maybe that's an exaggeration but i somehow find comfort in the fact that we are defined by our class/rootedness to it.

sigh... i wish to never grow up, leave any teachers and just stick to the class i had.

just a wish.

4E4 '08 had fun playing pretend at the meeting room.

Remy being principal for the day, Zi An the secretary (for the reason that Remy can monitor him so that Zi An wont overthrow him. lol.) and everyone else the new board of directors.

we had planned to change the education system while its under our control. haha.

Ms Joanna can still withstand our nonsense quite well. (:

she still as blur and cute as ever. *signature UHHHH

ahhhhh...such bliss just now.

a little sad that i didnt know about the night gathering. really would have went. =/

but JOELdear made my day. HEEEE.

"i'm waiting for atiqah to graduate. then we elope....."

(zoe heard) "pfft"

"then we'll have a house at paris"

(my eyes light up!) "REALLY?? *grins "

"but you have to leave zoe and never see her forever."

.........

(skeptical zoe) "do you guys...like have a something going that i dunno about?"

"yarrr... me and atiqah are in love. something so deep..."

LOL.

sweetheart.

i really have no clue how we became close (or have a relationship that even zoe is unaware of), but i am just happy that things turned out this way. ^^

joel is <3

can everyday be teacher's day?

i like the atmosphere today.

well, at least my tomoro will still be interesting.

zoe's going HELIPAD!!! (:

helping her dress-up. i'll see you tomoro hun~

ehh...i'll try to update more often? *kisses

love, A.

2010-08-13T19:46:00.004+08:00

the law of attraction:-
if you keep thinking of something, it will come to you.
like the thought that you could be late, naturally, things around you will slow you down.
or the thought of wanting to meet someone.

was it the miracle of a dream or wishful thinking?
in any case, it was nice bumping into you today. ^^

love, A.

2010-08-06T21:12:00.004+08:00

shouts:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRYSTAAAAAAL~~~~

my dear, it wasnt easy to act ahbeng in the video, i swear.
somehow surprisingly (and sadly coz i know i'll have lost my image) it still comes naturally to me.
hmm, i realised, in the course of it all, zoe and i are the most excited ones. lol.
i also realised that i didnt get to say my deepest words of concern to you during the video.
so, hopefully i can redeem myself here.
at least in your eyes coz like my blog readers < facebook network.
shit.

zoe prolly said most of the things that i would say/regurgitate.
not to mention that 1. don't drink 2. don't smoke 3. don't bring boys home are only three points on top of her Do's and Dont's list that she gave to you. haha.
i know you're the kind of person that sticks close to what she likes in a person and what she doesnt.
so, i know you'll most probably not fall into those bad patterns yourself.
but you know, zoe being her and us being concerned, we just won't know how 3-4years of influence can affect our dearest friend.
nonetheless, i trust your judgement. (:

i hope you'll feel comfortable in your new house when you get there.
like, roommates-wise, neighbours and all.
im not sure how much you have to "loosen up" to fit in with them (coz we naturally have the Asian uptight values) but i hope it wont be a lot.
but then again, i bet by now, after being there for a few months now, you already know how to bring yourself about.
so what im saying are just all baseless worries right?
i'll pray that you would also settle down fast with your upcoming tight schedules.
having to school, work and have time to destress.
stress in your life is inevitable now i guess but spend some time to not worry okay?
like go to some open field, lie down and just stop thinking.
maybe talking to us would have made you felt better.
for 2 weeks in a row i didnt get to pick up your call...sorryy ):
we will definitely talk soooooon.

we miss you alot, your hugs, smile and laughter..
but we'll let you do what you have to do there.
so put your best foot forward and show them what you're made of.
we'll wait for your return patiently.

all the best love in the world, A.

2010-08-03T19:34:00.002+08:00

just for my chrystal yip <3

we, the citizens of Singapore.
pledge ourselves as one united people.
regardless of race, language or religion.
to build a democratic society.
based on justice and equality..
so as to achieve, happiness, prosperity..
and progress for our nation.

remember i used to conduct like a musician for the national anthem in primary school?
i will always be offbeat one. hee.

love, A....always.

2010-08-01T01:40:00.002+08:00

i can't return...
...the ball's in your court.

A.

2010-07-30T21:25:00.002+08:00

oh, the pain of ulcer.
they numb the other kind of pain i was feeling.

today was a short day in school (cheers~) (:
went home, and watched teevee (cheers~ x2)
happened to catch this really good movie; Taken.
no, its not some chic flick or romance thing that i'd normally watch.
but its about a dad who went to such lengths to save her daughter who was travelling with her friend. apparently, she got abducted by slave traders.
go watch!! *throwing thumbs up

shall try to do some chem before sleeping.
love, A.

2010-07-27T21:22:00.002+08:00

on a Sunday, i realised.
read my lips: hello....who is this?

A.

2010-07-19T21:20:00.001+08:00

i hope im not too late for this. (:

cody is damn cute. <3

2010-07-16T21:29:00.003+08:00

Zoe,
i really think the world needs more people like you.
specifically, the nursing sector.

after hearing stories from granny from her few months dayvisits to XXX nursing home, i really think that the quality of service is very important.
your clients actually trust the workers to take good care of their parents/grandparents in the day while they are busy doing their own jobs.
"taking good care" and "taking basic care" is very different. sadly, quality is often neglected.
for instance, how can someone just ignore one's call for more water considering the cup provided is damn puny?
i understand that any such business have a certain capital and certain amount of sponsors to pay the fee and so, things may get limited. but necessities like water and such simple demands as that?
what's the worst case scenario really?
that a cluster of grandpas and grandmas might be wasting resources by having a water fight?
....they just want a drink.
old people's oesophagus feels kinked up sometimes, i know.
and i understand how some people when applying for such jobs may act as a compassionate and patient soul just to earn money (maybe in serious cases to overcome sticky financial issues) but (just in case someone of such situation were to come across this entry), i just wanna beg you to please please please have some integrity in the interview or at least live up to the criteria properly.
it really does affect your work ethics.
well yeah, so and so may be patient at the start. everyone has a certain amount of patience level.
but having a job of such requirements in the long-term, it's unfair to replace one's lack of patience with an excuse like "she is always like that, you don't have to bother her."
really, where is the warmth in that?
you're just making others look at the person weirdly.

i know, i am not the one to talk about patience.
i myself lack deeply in that when it comes to kids or old people.
you see, these two groups, it kinda frustrates me that i cant reason with them regarding certain things.
i know that i don't always have to make them see things my way but levelling my perspective with theirs is something i find hard to do.
that's why i think a million times before asking my parents to withdraw granny from the place and let me take care of her after As.
it is something i cannot do and i truly think that its not easy to learn how to.
granny says she prefers the hospital over this.
but...the hospital is just too much for us.

sigh, i must treat my granny nicer.
buy for her different stuff to eat instead of biscuits that she get in the morning.
maybe an array of chiffon cakes or fruity bread.
listening to her complain about biscuits for breakfast at home and there is very heartbreaking.
i didn't know.
i always thought that the reason she ate just one piece of biscuit and a cup of coffee here is that she eats there.

gosh, the things i get to hear today.

please love more, A.

2010-07-14T19:55:00.003+08:00

what would you choose, my dear readers..
stability or risk?
is it about the fight for yours or the gift to the other?

i've consulted in some and it seems like the gift, in the later stage, it could expand/spread/influence you.
so the gift is often chosen.
but what if, you (like some i know) find your special reason to fight for your own later?
and you're already in too deep with making one significant other happy?
would you be able to throw it all away for the fight for yours?
and if you don't, you'll start to think of "what if"s, won't you?
the considerations for the future, the diverse paths of life that you'd take based on your decisions...
you might say it clouds your thoughts/inner feelings and affect what you could have had,
but i don't blame that you want the choice that'd make you the happiest.

I, too, would want myself to be the happiest. (who doesn't?)
you see, these days i realise that im the kind that would naturally choose risk over stability.
but what if stability comes before risk?
your "stability" is his "risk". do you get it? (...)
I can't just discard off a person's attempt for risk.
.....it would seem too..mean.
the fact that you would consider (without any methods of leading on), i feel should be the way.
if you were the one risking, i bet you'd want some considerations too.
it doesnt really matter whether your answer would be a "yes" or "no", the fact is you thought about it.
you regarded and respected one's heart.
probably an act to be oblivious from the very beginning would have been a good way to prevent all these ongoing conflicts in the head, praying that his risk would fade away..
maybe, maybe.
but it's just a tad cowardly.

im not sure what im trying to tell/ask you in this entry.
my thoughts are just jumbled up.
...i am in no rush to risk or accept stability.
maybe it's because i've been this way too long; independant.
there is no need/want for it.
i still don't know what im going to decide on.

but if you were me, what would you choose?

love, A.

2010-07-12T21:35:00.004+08:00

the horoscope is a strong thing.
though i understand that we're not suppose to let it control our lives, the spot-on accuracy of it in describing our natures are just mind-blowing.
i just read mine, from the one that was reflected in zoe's blog.
Cancers are some miraculous pieces of art. (:

i'll quote some things that i think are ones that i like (italics) and ones that are so true (underlined) and ones that scare the shit out of me (bold and enlarged).

Cancer's are fun lovers to be around - since their humor is sophisticated and knowledgeable in the ways of humanity.
Once this girl has given her heart then her commitment to the relationship tends to be total.
they are good providers and seem to have a magic touch where money is concerned.
They are far from being under-achievers who in their own way, will not only get a lot done, but also do so very successfully. (<- gives me a ray of hope that im not useless lah can. not that i want to brag.)

Alternatively, if their former stages of life are healthy, happy and well founded, then there is every likelihood that the Cancer the Crab girl will mature into an emotionally healthy and stable individual
Cancer woman can become a superb provider of support and emotional strength to all and everyone around her.
When you become a close friend to the Cancer girl she will look upon and you and treat you as one of the family. Alternatively, hurt or offend her and you could be viewed as an enemy. (thus explains my kind of response towards this issue)
The Cancer woman will tend to hoard and take care with her money.
On a non-monetary plane, the Cancer woman will be quite generous; need some clothes, the use of a car, a home to call your own for a while—no problem!. (lol. don't take me for granted ah)
can always be counted upon to have a quite nest egg put aside “just in case.”
can become quite envious when others around them appear be receiving the acclaim and recognition that they desire. (yes, i admit. -.- but i do feel genuinely happy at times okay~)
The Cancer woman inherently knows what will make another person happy so just allow her the time and the space to bestow her gifts to you. (tell this to my parents)

Their kind hearted and intuitive qualities makes them the natural nurturer and someone who is well suited to the caregiver role, whether as a teacher, healer, counselor or protector
Cancer is the sign of the prophet or teacher (let me die X.x)

Find out your horoscopes too. its truely an interesting read. (:

love, A.

2010-07-02T20:50:00.002+08:00

i really think that how you handle situations defines you.
like how you handle emotions.
whether to say that emotions got the best of you and use it as an excuse all the time.
whether those emotions were thrown to the wrong person.
whether you calm yourself, step out for awhile and look at the big picture with a clear mind. actually see what is happening and not blur it with your own colours.

S, there is no use talking to you on the phone, texting you or facebook-messaging you because you wont listen.
not when you keep ranting on your thesis, assumptions and conclusions without letting a word from me get through to you.
i very much want to keep a civilised relationship with you.
whether it means not talking to you at all or be a listening ear to your problems.
but when you provoke me to start up some shouting fest or vulgarity showdown, im sorry but i'll hang up on you whether or not my phone is dead.
if you want an explanation, if you really want to listen to my side of the story instead of blaming me for everything, if you really want to discuss and share, then call.
but if you're gonna call to push everything to my conscience, then forget about it.
how he prioritise me or you is not your concern anymore.
it's no longer something you can control.
im not doing any of that controlling either.
how you handle the situation, would make you a less/more desirable person to even talk to.
the way you're acting now? less desirable.
you're a friend, just like i am.
if you're gonna bring up the past and continue those presumptions, then it's your loss for being too hung up.
im not your punching bag, he is not your boyfriend.
get it straight.

A.

2010-07-01T22:41:00.002+08:00

does it bother you that youtube keeps saying "An error has occurred, please try again later."?
ugh.
i need entertainment.

2010-06-27T23:12:00.002+08:00

i am lagging behind and no Okazaki fragments can mend me.
):

i've only studied religiously for the past week and a half maybe.
that too with many hours sleeping, a few days of fun and everyday worrying.
i know how to worry but never act you know?
tomorrow will be the first day of a 2weeks war.
all the best to everyone.
i know that many out there are not prepared like me.
just do what we can alright? since it's already the night before.
don't press on revising/memorising new stuff if you cant.
just pray and hopefully, can at least pass thru this.
jiayou.

love, A. =S
p.s. shall update birthday pictures later/whenever~

2010-06-21T11:57:00.002+08:00

CHRYSTAL!!
im quite frus that i dont understand what you're saying these days.
everything is so foreign + new, even more since im not there to see these places and people.
but nemind, you sound like you're travelling, having fun and at ease. good! (:

erm, I seriously don't want anything for my birthday.
but it's a little too late to say this huh?
I think I disappointed daddy just now.
but I really don't want.
I don't want people to take leave (like mum) because of my birthday when they have tons of work (mum!).
I don't want people to stop their study schedules to come over for my birthday because some people (like me) don't have enough time already. slack too much, omg.
Daddy said I should just appreciate it.
it's not that I dont lah, but I just dont feel the festive mood when my mind is on "omg, I don't understand _______, need to read again!" or "oh shit, how to solve _______??!!".
get what I mean?

maybe my horoscope says: Cancer knows too much things she shouldn't know beforehand.
will mug now.
love, A.

2010-06-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

i don't really like new beginnings beginning in the middle of the week.
doesn't really feel...right.

spent a total of $382.20 for the new stuffs.

Bag (daddy insist)= $49.90
Stationary and pencil case= $43.40
Ezlink= $28
Camera "pouch" and memory card= $60.90
Photocopied Bio tutorial= $10 (and still adding, considering the phone bills to spend to call zoe to help decipher her handwriting -.-)
Specs= $190

went out the whole day.

am super tired now.

love, A.

2010-06-16T12:57:00.001+08:00

ugh. so sian right now.
not studying. =/

2010-06-16T00:43:00.003+08:00

happy birthday granny;
my sweet 80-year-old lady.
.
on contrary to a happy birthday, we had to have it at the hospital.
seeing as how she's warded to the isolation ward, only 3-4 people can enter at any time.
so sadly, out of our size of 15-16 people, only about a quarter can celebrate with her at any point of time.
anyway, the first thing we saw when we entered was that she was wearing pink.
so cute right?
we thought it was because she's birthday girl.
apparently, the whole ward had a change of clothes.
me: mum, what is she wearing down there? (coz granny is always covered in blanket)
mum: pampers lor.
well, not entirely true.
when i entered another time, she didnt have her blankets on.
she looks like pink ranger!! super cute. pink top and pink pants.
and granny isnt the slim type. so, you can just imagine.
.
hmm, doctor said she gotta have another blood test run.
i just wish they could put themselves in her shoes.
her hands and arms have many blue-blacks because of all the needles.
look at the one in the picture, at her elbow. ):
very very ke lian okay, my granny.
sometimes i just wonder if it's because granny has the precious O blood.
but, she cant possibly be a donor because of her condition.
so, that's just ridiculous.
still! just wish they could make all these blood withdrawals less frequent.
anyway, they said she can come home soon, depending on her test results.
yay. (:
.
apart from granny's birthday, it's ana and her dad's birthday too.
this exact day.
naturally, food is a must...

fuzzy face: Ana. she can't keep still. -.-

...

happiness, if too extensive, would always come to a stop at some point.

tonight, it did.

in an awful manner.

that's the police car at the back.

dad's car window got smashed.

some belongings, including mine are gone.

*breathe

the thought of it just frustrates me.

things to get before school reopens:

a. ezlink

b. IC

c. wallet

d. pencil case

e. topic 3&4 bio notes

the bio notes, i wonder what the people would do with it.

this may be mean, but i dont think they are capable of such chimness.

might just drive them to madness to even read a complete sentence.

and i don't think their "little act" did them any good.

the cash in my cousin's and my wallet put together = ~$30?

well, if the person has a girlfriend, she'll be blessed with newly opened/used makeup products which used to be my cousin's.

that's all.

so blardy stu-pid.

uncle is wise.

he said, "maybe by experiencing this little incident, god will protect us in the future from bigger ones."

it calmed me down a little.

the one good thing is that, my other uncle's laptop wasnt stolen.

he's an RP lecturer. if it was stolen, can you imagine the heartache he would be in?

thank god.

i'll pray that you guys wont have to experience this.

im having some bad bad repercussions.

feeling blah.

love, A.

2010-06-14T18:05:00.005+08:00

[edited]
i'm so tired today.
i think it's the fasting coz the only study i did today was the 4hours in trying to sort out my econs notes and collating merely 'expansionary Fiscal Policy in Singapore's context'.
qutie disappointing. but, im taking a step at a time. (:
planned to do bio, but this girl is lacking of brainfood.

anyway, i think i'm quite bad with change.
i don't mean by like economy or work or change in school system.
that's easy to bitch/gossip/curse about and most worries will go away.
i don't mind adapting to that.
but, changes in people, whether big or small.
it just catches my attention.
like, indecisive daddy at times. at the start of the statement, it's apple. then at the end of it, orange. i don't mean literally. i guess if you know my daddy, you'll know this trait.
but that's minor i guess. daddy's still #1. <3
so, change... i'll ponder on it, wreck my brain out and end up not being able to do anything to preserve the original character of the person.
and whenever i tell people of my worries, it always comes down to this:
"People change."
hmm, can they just not?
change for the better is good. i'll totally throw you a celebration party.
but, change for something less desirable.. it just bothers me.
i just don't feel like adapting to that, if i can help it.
to what extend can you help change a person?
if you don't know whether you got the right to say something, would you just go ahead and say something?
what if there is another party out there that dislikes any form of communication with so-and-so? and what if a person doesn't wanna listen to you, then what happens?
*breathes...
so many questions ):
anyway, i know i always will lean towards the option of leaving the person alone.
but is it right to?
for one thing, it really isn't easy.
i did, once and it wasn't easy.
she was my best friend.
the hardest part is that when someone change, they don't see it.
if they don't see it, that makes it 1000times harder to make them change (back).
the people around them feel the greatest impact.
i guess, what i did was the right thing for me.
but it didn't just happen without any tears on my side.
i believe it was one of the most heart-breaking decisions i had to make.
in my eyes, loyalty and friendship is a prized possession.
so maybe it affected me alot more than it is suppose to. =/

grant me 2 wishes; to talk to you + not do what you're planning to.
love, A.

2010-06-13T17:05:00.003+08:00

ignorance is bliss.
yet, when you get the means or when it finds you, curiousity kills the cat.
should have just stick to ignorance huh?

GS...it's no two initials put together by coincidence or random.
a little heart is the source of your squabble? really.
i have lots to talk to you about.
for the things that i know.
but don't you think you'll just be listening to the same things?
i, for one, would feel like i would be saying the same things.
but still, i just wanna know, is it okay to you, the things that you're doing?
i didnt let things go because i thought that there would be change.
what am i hearing now?
hmm, the fact that im even addressing this here, it's because im aware of your presence.

and to whom it may concern..
[this issue is funny]
how long do you think i can keep a secret?
hmmm, maybe for as long as you figure this part of the blog out.
....
i keep pestering my dad to let me go out with tee on the 22nd of june.
you know, to celebrate our birthdays. (tee, shall we? (: )
but apparently, for some reason, there was a tinge of panic between him and mum.
something about i have to stay home that day.
even if i wanna celebrate with tee, i have to stay home and call her over. ):
erm, if i may know, is there anyone out there panicking too? *grins
how long will it take for you to realise that there might be a mistake?
grief one, for that.
maybe im being fooled/pranked.
but to whom it may concern, im just giving a head's up.
i love you.

interesting things have been happening.
but none to relief me of my boredom.
should be studying. left with 2 weeks.
less than that since i gotta take one or two days off for celebrations.
im slightly nervous now. =/

love, A.

2010-06-12T05:04:00.003+08:00

the story of a young boy, Dre Parker (age 12), who had to move to China because of his mum's job. the usual "i hate it here!" because of bullies and end up beating each and every one of them in a kung fu competition.
.
yeah, the time now is 5.11am.
i havent slept in the past..(counting) 19hours.
my family did the crazy midnight movies again.
this time, seeing as how it ended at 3.30am, we, or rather they, decided to go to macs at Pioneer Mall so that we could stay up till morning prayers came.
i could have slept and woke up but for the benefit of all..
*breathes
.
our crazy midnight movies thankfully are always good shows.
like Avatar, Harry Potter, Twilight..
quite a number already.
and Karate Kid is EQUALLY good.
jaden smith is a pure prodigy. he has kid abs. like how awesome is that?
the movie is witty; total must-watch. (<-i actually typed "wash". so tired....) i would like to believe that he did all his tricks coz if you were to watch it and tell me it was some stunt double, i will snap your wrist...if i could. (: .
movie i wanna watch: Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief.
heard it would be a disappointment though.. since i've already read the series.
movie to watch soon: Eclipse *screams!!!
.
hmm, in a few hours, the whole family will be in sleepzone.
and my whole plan to study early and study alot....poof!
=/
i will still try.
.
love, A.
P.S. i saw your bike Chrystal. <3

2010-06-09T19:32:00.002+08:00

...
are you studying? =/// (< double chin emoticon!!)
i...am trying to.
i will do my best to try to.
i've got this fear & stress of going into BT2 unprepared.
how scary.
can just imagine the people seated around me writing furiously.
and me? blank for words/no batt in GC (so many encounters already~)/hyperventilating.

kay, i will do chem now.
NOW.

): Atiqah

2010-06-03T11:15:00.002+08:00

sure, his text came in shitloads of vulgarities.
that i teared a drop.
one drop...just because it is very much impossible to cry for someone who dont feel sad for themself.
told him that i care coz i like, doesnt work.

my last advice: fine. the world's your playground. have fun.
was that bad advice? yes.
did i just did something wrong? well, yeah.
but i can guarantee that it wont be as bad as what's gonna happen.
everyone (or rather, girls) in his way, (pfft) better be careful.
just be ready to be single mums or janitors that would have to clean up his acts.
the guy's gonna do some serious shit.
it's a long, emotionless process of his very own self-destruction.

the last love,
A.

2010-06-02T15:16:00.002+08:00

steps.

long, draggy....lifeless.

the glass closer, clearer in view.

tugging at her heart, she reaches out.
...an image at her fingertips.

she breathed, "there it is!"
The Pokerface.

making decisions is a process that differs in magnitude, depending on the issue at hand.
it is never easy for me to make a decision these days.
i'm torn between the right thing to do, the right thing for me and my heart.
but my decision.. is mostly to decide what to say.
decide what to suggest and advise to the parties.
it is never quite an action decision, unlike them.
the major reason why it is unfair to them for me to complain should i just.

the decision that i made the past night was one that is the right thing for me.
at the same time, i told them what might be the right thing.
but everytime when im alone, my mind will wander to whether i did the right thing for all of us.
necessary, everything that happen up till this date was necessary.
though it might not bring about much change, it was necessary.
but the right thing?
im not too sure.
maybe.
so why does it hurt?

The Pokerface.
smiles like she is just fine.

A.

2010-05-30T11:51:00.004+08:00

i just stoned while listening to 98.7...
on this Sunday morning (going afternoon),
i've already proudly accomplished a few things. (:
1.ran on the treadmill
2.did laundry
3.read Chrystal's blog

yesterday was quite interesting.
i initially planned to study the whole day, not remembering the fact that it was Saturday and that my relatives would be coming.
i end up doing Bio tuts only? -.- 1.5 bio tuts...
Kissykissy Auntie came over and started complaining to me about her weight, on the spot.
"i am so fat~~ i feel the extra 10kg on me.....so fat.....look, i cannot take out my shirt (she was changing into something more comfortable)"
at times like this, i really dunno what to tell the person.
i dunno how to make the person feel better or what words work.
[oh god. kill me. Sezairi's "Broken" is playing...]
me: "c'mon lah. you're not fat.."
aunt: "you sure or not?? 60kg you know.."
me: "you're not fat until like *gesture 150kg-like person* what... you're a little plump only."
aunt: (rants on about fasting and doing 2hour aerobics a day)
apparently she did that when she put on weight when she was in her 20s.
just like now, she was 60kg then.
she lost weight til 49kg?
her determination in that 2months, super awesome.

Ana and family came over too.
she is soooooo clever ok.
she learns chinese and her pronunciation and understanding is quite mind-blowing.
"jie jie, ma ma, ba ba, ge ge, mei mei, di di, nai nai..."
she keeps chanting those. /rolls eyes
it is damn cute the first time round but she's like a broken record.
wanna show people her skills only. tsk.
but she was a sweetheart.
she came over to my bedside when i just woke up and kissed me on the cheek.
(: she listens to me well.

anyway, Chrystal...
your to-do list is quite long uh. hah, busy person.
i guess i might not be able to understand how scary it is there.
but don't be scared ok?
sure, its a new world there.. but it's quite an adventure don't you think?
and i think that your sister's friends sound quite cool.
i'll pray for you that your bunch of friends later would be as nice.
together with them, your stay there would be alright.
i trust that.
and study-wise, i believe that as long as you keep up your hardworking attitude like you had here, you'll do just fine.
grades with flying colours maybe? (:
as always, i love you.

hmm, i should start studying soon.
GC back-up battery is being annoying.
can't seem to find it anywhere.
how to do math like that? ugh.
the weather's quite sleep-inducing too.
how how how? =/

hmm...i'll try.
love, A.